Of Pain,Grief and Friendship
by CloudBusting85
Summary: set after season 7 episode 13. Kim takes some time off from work and receives a letter from Erin who she hasn't heard from since she moved to New York.
1. the letter

A/N:Loosely contains spoilers about season 7 episode 13. I don't own Chicago PD,I just use it to get creative.

Chapter 1: The letter

Kim sat on the sofa stirring her now cold cup of coffee,the Tv was on but she wasn't really paying just had it on for the noise so that her apartment didn't seem empty and quiet and so that she didn't feel so knew she wasn't alone,everyone at work had been asking about her coming to see her making sure she was alright,telling her to take her time,there was no rush for her to come back to work,there would always be a place for her on the team. Adam had been perfect and she knew it wasn't his fault, he just wanted to make sure she had someone to talk too,but sometimes she wished he didn't care as just wanted to be left alone in her thoughts.

At that moment there was a knock on the door and Kim was shaken back into ignored the knocking in the hope that whoever it was would soon get tired and the knocking begrudgingly she got up of her sofa to open her door,before she opened the door she took a few seconds to compose herself .She took a deep breath and plastered a fake smile on her had mastered the art of fake smiles, not too big to suggest that she was faking it, but enough to lead people to believe that she was happier than she was.

"Hi Kim,I was just on the way back from the grocery store and I thought I'd come round and bring you something you could cook later.I can't stay long I'm meeting some old school friends across town." said sergeant Platt,as she handed the ready cook dinner to Kim.

Kim internally sighed this women always had a excuse, she was just at the store,just driving by,going to the dry cleaners,going to see a friend and this meant that she just had to come to see her and interrupt the peace and quiet that Kim had come to did people interfere in her life so much?Couldn't they tell she just wanted to be doubt Adam had sent Trudy to come check on her because she had been ignoring his pushed those thoughts to the back of her head,no she couldn't be like that,she was lucky to have so many people who cared about her and wanted to make sure she was alright.

"Hi Trudy,thanks for the dinner,hope you have a nice evening." replied Kim

"Thank You,well I'll see you soon Burgess."Said Sergeant Platt

Kim was just about to shut the door.

"Oh wait a second Burgess." said Sergeant Platt

Kim opened the door.

"This letter came for you to the precinct today." Sergeant Platt said as she handed the letter to Kim

Kim shut the door and walked back towards her sofa.

She sat down on the sofa and looked at the wasn't in handwriting she recognized.

She opened the envelope.

Dear Kim,

Firstly I want to apologize for not getting in touch for such a long time and it's nobody's fault but my own. After Nadia died,my life fell apart completely,I lost who I was and I had to get away from it.I'm deeply sorry that I left things the way that they were,but it felt as though the pain was swallowing me up whole and I had to escape it before it consumed me. But moving to New York was a positive move for me,I'm in a much better place than I was the last time we saw hard as it is pain and grief eventually subside and it gets that little bit easier to not completely fall apart.I'm so sorry Kim,if I could take your pain away I would, but I just want you to know I'm here for a chat. Please Kim,don't make the mistakes I made,let people into your life they only want to help don't push them away,as much as it feels like people won't leave you alone,they are just doing it because they care. Call me for a chat anytime and come to visit New York!.

All my love

Erin.

Kim looked down at the letter in her hands,she was awash with emotions,she was surprised and pleased to hear from Erin who she hadn't heard from for close to four and a half was angry that Erin had just left without even saying goodbye or even staying in touch.

Kim sat staring at her phone as her finger hovered over the dial button finally her finger pressed down on the button and the phone wrang.

"Hello,who's speaking?" Said Erin

"Erin,it's Kim." replied Kim


	2. Secrets

Chapter 2: Secrets

"Hello,who's speaking?" Said Erin

"Erin,it's Kim." replied Kim

"Oh wow Kim I wasn't too sure if you would call,but it's so good to hear from you,I'm sorry I didn't get in contact sooner." said Erin.

The two women chatted for a while catching up on the things that they had missed over the past few years and for the hour and half that they were chatting, the feelings of hurt and anger that filled Kim's body subsided and a new feeling of happiness maybe Erin was right maybe letting people in helped.

Over the next few days Kim found herself speaking to Erin a lot over the seemed to be the only person who understood what she was going through and she didn't pressure Kim into talking about she felt ,which was the question that everyone else asked her was a times like this she wished that she was still talking with her sister but after everything that had happened to her sister they had lost touch and Kim had never wanted to force her sister into something she clearly didn't want.

Erin could tell from the lengthy phone calls that she had, that Kim could do with a change of scenery and so she invited Kim to come and stay with her.

Kim said she would tell them at the precinct that she was going to visit Erin in New York,,but she knew that she wasn't going to tell them and she wasn't going to tell Erin that she hadn't told them just wanted to be left in peace without people constantly checking in on her.

….

It was late in the evening the day before Kim was set to arrive and Erin was making up the spare was putting the bed sheets on the bed,when she heard feet pattering towards the room and she turned around to see the her little girl standing there in her pajamas rubbing her sleepy eyes.

"Ellie what are you doing up,should be in bed asleep sweetie."

"But Momma I can't sleep,I want to stay with you."moaned Ellie as she pulled the puppy dog eyes that she had been using to get what she wanted ever since she could talk. Ellie pleaded with her eyes and a wobbly sighed,how had the three and half year old always managed to get what she wanted, it was all down the fact that Erin was too soft with her.

"It's already way past your bedtime," replied Erin

"Can we at least have a snuggle." wined Ellie

"Only if you get back into bed and give me five minutes to finish the bed." Replied Erin.

Ellie smiled and she skipped back into her room.

"Momma don't take too long." said Ellie from her bedroom.

Erin finished up in the room and went into her daughters room where the little girl was tucked up under her bed sat on the end of her daughters bed stroking the little girls face and telling her a bedtime story to help her get to sleep.

Kim clearly wasn't the only one keeping secrets.


	3. Play dates and giggles

Chapter 3- Playdates and giggles.

Erin was jolted awake,she pretended that she hadn't worked out what was going on, in the hope that Ellie would get bored of jumping on her bed and she could go back to sleep.

"Momma I know you awake because I've been jumping for ages,trying to wake you up." laughed Ellie as she tried to lift Erins eyelids open.

"Ellie i've told you about not jumping on my bed in the morning." moaned Erin as she grabbed the girl into a tight hug.

"I know but I wanted to know when Kim is getting here." giggled Ellie as she tried to wriggle free.

"I told you already she's getting here in the afternoon,after you have been to gymnastics." replied Erin

Ellie started doing star jumps on the looked at the clock,it was almost 8am,so she could take this as a small victory in terms of not being totally sleep deprived.

"Right then,time to get dressed," said Erin.

"No I want to stay jumping,gymnastics isn't till ages."wined Ellie

"I thought you might want to go to the park with Lily and Freya" replied Erin

"Are you coming?" questioned Ellie

"No sweetie i've got to go and pick up Kim from the airport like we talked about." replied Erin

"Then who's going to take me to gymnastics." Ellie asked with a puzzled look on her face.

"Ian,will and then after he will drop you back off here and maybe we can have something special for dinner."Said Erin

Ellie nodded and smiled

"That means Lilly and Freya can watch my gymnastics and she can see how good I am."

At that Erin grabbed the little girl by her feet and turned her upside down so she was hanging in the giggled and squealed with excitement. Erin carried the girl upside down into her room and placed her on her bed.

"Come on,get dressed,breakfast,clean your teeth and then you can watch some tv until Ian comes to pick you up."

Ellie ran around her room in circles as Erin tried to but the girls clothes on. Erin laughed to herself about the amount of energy her daughter possessed at such early hours of the morning. She grabbed Ellie knowing full well that if she didn't help her get dressed they would have a repeat of last week and Ellie would end up with two feet in one arm of her long sleeve t-shirt with giggles of ' look momma I'm like ariel the mermaid i've got a tail.'

After what felt like a lifetime of hurrying Ellie to get ready and after many moans of

"Just one more show." There was a knock at the door and Erin walked over to open the door.

Ian stood outside with Freya and Lily, his eight year old twin daughters standing next to him.

Ellie saw the two older girls and ran towards them.

"Freya,Lilly." she squealed as she grabbed them both in a hug.

The girls smiled back matching her excitement

"Hey Ellie." they said in unison

"Where's Raife," asked Ellie,wondering where the older boy was .

"He's at a friends house, he said he's too cool for hanging out with us anymore"replied Lily

"Yeah now he's ten he wont play with us anymore." sighed Freya

"Come on you three lets go take Ellie to her gymnastics and then we can go to the park after and get some lunch." said Ian

All three girls cheered with excitement.

"Race you to the car." shouted Lily as she sped off with Freya and Ellie in tow.

"Ok bye..." said Erin to Ellie as she ran off towards the stairs.

Erin loved that her daughter felt at home with Lily and Freya and Raife and Ian that she wouldn't worry about saying goodbye to wished that she would do the same thing at daycare,they had to practically peel Ellie off Erin when she dropped her off each morning.

"So ill drop Ellie back around 4 oclock."Said Ian

"Yeah that sounds good,text me if there's any problem." replied Erin

Ian nodded. "Will do." he replied as he lent towards her and kissed Erin on the cheek.

Erin blushed and smiled and she returned the kiss.

Ian turned around and walked towards the stairs to go and find the girls outside.

Erin waved out the window as the car drove away.


	4. Get ready for take off

Chapter 4-Get ready for take off.

**A/N:Thank you for the views,follows and reviews so far, I'm so glad that people are enjoying the story. It really gives me that extra boost to keep writing. **

Kim gripped the arms of the seat as the plane took off,she wasn't a nervous flyer but she had these constant feelings of anger and anxiety that wouldn't leave her and the uncertainty of the future made these feelings even worse.

The only thing that made the plane journey feel better was the fact that she sat in the window seat,so she could stare out into the sky and daydream.

Kim stared out of the window as people continued to file into the plane.

A little girl stopped at her row.

"Mommy I've found number 15." the girl exclaimed

"Well done sweetie sit in the seat then." said the girl's mom as she followed behind the girl.

The little girl sat in the seat next to Kim swinging her little legs that did not reach the floor and her mom sat in the aisle seat holding a baby in her lap. Her mom got her settled,giving her some sweets to suck on as the plane took off and giving her some colouring to do when they were in the air.

The girl smiled at Kim

"Hi,I'm Avery i'm five and that's my baby sister Evie she's three months old and we are going to New york to see our Mimi and Papa and I'm going to see a performance on Broadway with my cousins but Evie isn't coming because she's a baby and she will just cry." babbled Avery

"Avery leave the lady alone." her mom replied

"Sorry if shes bothering you."Avery's mom apologised

"It's no hassle." replied Kim as she turned back to the magazine that she was reading.

Avery continued with her colouring and her mom handed her a packet of animal crackers.

She tapped Kim on the shoulder.

"Would you like one?" she asked

"Avery you can't just offer people your food." explained her Mom

"But it didn't even open the packet yet so i haven't touched them yet." replied Avery

"No thank you,you enjoy them." replied Kim

The crew made an announcement that they were soon going to be closing the toilet before they started their descent and finally they landed in New York.

Kim walked through baggage reclaim to pick up her bags and walked out into the waiting area,she looked around to see if she could see Erin.

It was Erin who saw Kim first looking around trying to find walked up behind her and tapped Kim on the shoulder.

"Boo." laughed Erin and Kim turned around to face her.

Kim laughed and hugged Erin.

"It's so good to see you." the said in unison which made them laugh even more

"Come on I'll show you to the car." said Erin as she grabbed Kim's bag and started to wheel it before she could stop her.

They got the the car and Kim got into the passenger seat as she got in she noticed a child's booster seat in the back seat of the car but Erin had already launched into a conversation before she could bring the topic chatted about work,Erin mostly centred the conversation around herself and the things that she had been up to,which some people would see as selfish to focus the entire conversation on yourself, but Kim liked that Erin knew her well enough to know that she still wasn't really up for talking.

They arrived at the apartment and got out of the showed Kim into her apartment and showed her to the guests bedroom.

After Kim had put her stuff away Erin got them both a drink, the women sat down on the sofa and chatted.

Erin's phone buzzed in her pocket, she picked it up and replied to the text message and slipped it back into her pocket.

"This is such a lovely apartment have you way's lived here." asked Kim

"No, I only moved in about 18 months ago. It's nice I like it not too far from work either." explained Erin

At that there was a knock at the door

Erin looked at Kim

"Do you mind if I get that."asked Erin

"Erin it's your house you don't have to ask me if you can open your own front door!" Kim laughed

Erin opened it and Ellie ran into the apartment chanting

"Is she here is she here"

"Ellie come back here and say goodbye." remarked Erin

"Goodbye" Ellie yelled from the kitchen

"Come back here."responded Erin

Ellie ran back into the front door way skidding along the lino flooring.

"Bye "

She said as she ran back to the kitchen.

Erin rolled her eyes

"Thanks Ian" Said Erin kissing him on the cheek.

"Anytime,the girls asked if they can have a sleep over again soon I think they really enjoyed the last one and it's probably got nothing to with the fact that they ate so much sugar." laughed Ian.

"It's not my fault I like to spoil them." said Erin and a smirk formed on her face.

"But why do you always give sugar to my kids can't you just give sugar to your own kid and not mine because they had a huge sugar crash the next day and honestly their teenage years flashed in front of me ,refusing to do anything."moaned Ian

Erin laughed.

"Right I'll see you soon ,we've got to dash Raife wants to the movies with a friend i'll never hear the end of it if he's late." replied Ian.


	5. I know who you are

Chapter 5- I know who you are.

**A/N:Thanks for all the views and reviews,hope you enjoy this chapter.**

Ellie ran into the room where Kim was sitting as Erin said goodbye to Ian.

Ellie smiled at Kim.

"Hi." the little girl smiled shyly at Kim.

"Hello Sweetie,what's your name?" asked Kim

"My name's Ellie and I'm three and a half, almost four." smiled Ellie as she held up three fingers.

"Lovely to meet you sweetie,I'm Kim." replied Kim

"I know who you are." said Ellie as she ran over towards the cupboard and pulled out a large book.

"Oh it's heavy." Ellie said as she placed it on the sofa and opened it up.

"Look." Ellie said as she pointed at one of the first pictures,it was of Erin and Kim at molly's probably from a birthday party they had been too,on the next page there was a photo of Erin and Nadia.

"That's my Aunty Nadia, she died before I was borned." explained Ellie

Ellie turned the page over.

"That's me as a little baby." said Ellie pointing to the photo of herself as a baby in hospital.

She climbed up onto the sofa and sat next to Kim showing her all the photos.

Erin walked into the room.

"What are you doing,Ellie?"asked Erin.

"Momma,I'm just showing Kim all the photos in the book because she thought I didn't know who she was."replied Ellie

"Ah ok sweetie, do you want a snack and a drink?"

Ellie nodded

"Well sit on the floor then i'll give you a snack and drink."

Erin brought over the snack

Ellie sat on the floor drinking her juice and eating her Ritz crackers.

Erin turned the Tv on and Ellie sat watching cartoons as they continued to talk for the rest of the afternoon.

At about five o'clock Ellie started to run around living.

"Pizza,pizza,pizza,pizza,pizza,pizza,pizza,pizza." she exclaimed as she bounced from sofa to sofa.

"Ellie stop acting like a monkey and sit down on the sofa." said Erin.

Ellie giggled and continued to jump from sofa to sofa making monkey noises.

Erin rolled her eyes and looked at Ellie.

"Please Ellie sit down,Monkeys don't eat pizza." said Erin.

Ellie gave in but she made a emphasis on her dislike for having to stop having fun by doing one last big jump and throwing herself onto the sofa and practically landing on top of Kim.

"Ellie this is your last chance to stop messing around and apologise to Kim." said Erin in a stern tone.

"Sorry Kim." said Ellie

"Sorry Mommy,I didn't mean to make you mad." she said.

Erin smiled "It's ok sweetie but remember what I said,when I tell you to stop doing something it's because I want to keep you safe and not let you get hurt."

"Ok Momma." replied Ellie

"Right let's order some pizza." Said Erin as she picked up the leaflet from the kitchen table.

The evening came around and Ellie was bathed and tucked up nicely in bed.

"I'm going to bed soon,Do you want tea or coffee before I go to bed?"

"Do you have anything stronger?" asked Kim

" I don't drink anymore,sorry." replied Erin ,who wasn't totally telling the truth,she wasn't totally lying,it was true ever since she had Ellie she'd stopped drinking because regardless of the mood she was in when she drank she would spiral down the path of remembering the pain she felt when Nadia what she didn't tell Kim is that she had a bottle of Whisky and Gin in the cupboard when her friends or Ian came didn't think that alcohol was something that Kim needed right now.

Erin and Kim made plans to go shopping the next day.

Erin and Kim eventually went to fell asleep quickly but Kim lay there in bed, her mind rushing and whirling,sleep failing to taken over and then all of a sudden she felt the tears rolling down her eyes,she turned on the light in the spare room and she got up deciding that making herself a hot drink might help her filled and turned on the kettle,her eyes were still wet and red from crying.

Ellie walked into the room rubbing her eyes.

"Sorry Ellie did I wake you." asked Kim

"I heard someone crying." replied Ellie

Ellie looked up at Kim.

"Were you crying?" asked Ellie.

Before Kim could reply the little girl had run over and hugged Kim's legs.

"I'm gonna give you lots of hugs to make you feel better."Ellie replied as she gripped tightly onto Kim's legs.

**A/N:Thank you to everyone who is sticking with the story.**


	6. Sorrow

Chapter 6- Sorrow

The next morning Kim and Erin went out shopping and to get lunch and Ellie stayed at home with a babysitter playing with her lego and doing crafts.

No one had heard from Kim in two weeks and they had tried tracking her phone. She hadn't pinged any cell phones towers in a while and people were starting to worry.

Sergeant Platt was pacing up and down the room.

"I should have gone in to make sure she was alright." She exclaimed

"Trudy it's not your fault." replied Hank

"Yes it is I was the last one to see her,I should have been more forceful, stayed longer,she could be anywhere,anything could have happened to her."

"Have you tried her parents." asked Kevin

"Yes we rang them and they said they haven't heard from her in a few weeks either,"replied Hailey.

"We've been going through her phone records and there seems to be a number that she had been calling a lot recently but there has been no records of her calling that number before a month ago." said Jay.

"Call it then,see who picks up, maybe they can help us find out where she is."replied Adam.

Jay dialed the number and the tone wrang for a few seconds and then the person on the other end picked up.

"Hello,who is this?"asked Jay

"Mommy said I shouldn't tell my name to strangers and I don't know you so that means you are a stranger." the little girls voice said.

"Is your mom there?"asked Jay

"No Mommas gone out with Kim." Ellie replied

They raised their eyebrows and Kevin indicated to Jay to keep the girl talking so they could track the call.

"Do you know when she will be back?" asked Jay

"Erm I don't know,bye." said Ellie as she put down the phone and cut off the call.

"We've got the address in New York." said Kevin.

"Well Halstead ,Upton I want you both to go out there as soon as possible."

"What about me sarge." asked Adam.

"I think it would be best for you to stay here Ruzek." replied Hank

"But Sarge." said Adam.

Hank glared at Adam.

Adam sighed and pushed over a chair so it went crashing on the floor and slammed the office door and he went off muttering and cursing under his breath.

"Right I want you to get onto this lead right now,whether your going to New York or staying here I need everyone to work together and listen to each other so we can find Kim as soon a possible."said Hank

And with that the team got back to work,with Hailee and Jay heading to the airport as quickly as they could.

Kim and Erin walked around the shopping mall picking up a few bits and sitting down in a cafe to have lunch and a chat,it was almost one pm when Erins phone rang and she answered the call.

Kim looked at Erin.

"Is everything alright Erin?" Asked Kim

"That was my friend,her waters just broke and she's panicking because the baby isn't due for another three weeks so her parents haven't flown in yet and her husbands on a business conference in Seattle and won't be back till the end of the you mind if i go,I'm really sorry but she's freaking out." Said Erin rapidly, barely pausing to take a breath.

Kim nodded " Go Erin,make sure you're friends alright."

"I'll pay you back for the cab to get back to my apartment,my neighbours got spare keys. I'll message her to let her know you're going to pick them up." replied Erin

Erin sped off frantically to get to the hospital and Kim called a taxi to take her back to Erin's she had planned to go back to Erin's apartment but she ended at the bar down the road from Erin's apartment.

She stared up at the sign and pushed open the door to the bar.


	7. Heightened emotions

Chapter 7:Heightened emotions

Hours passed and Erin's friend had given birth and her friend's brother had driven frantically to reach the hospital.

Erins phone buzzed in her pocket. She pretty much knew why Ian was calling when he did,if she could have put a bet on it she would have done,so why hadn't she just stayed with couldn't she have supported both friends at the same time,why was she put in the situation where she had to choose?

"Hey Erin,it's Ian, your friend,she's here and I told the guys to stop serving her but I only just got in and looks like she's been drinking for a while."

"Right I'll be over in ten minutes."Said Erin as she made sure that everything was alright with her friend.

"Thanks for everything Erin,you can go." said her friend's brother.

Erin knew this was going to happen,she must have done,she told Ian to keep an eye out if Kim came into his bar which was the nearest bar to her she had known why hadn't she done something about it?Why hadn't she tried to stop sighed she couldn't do this to herself,when something went wrong it didn't automatically mean that it was her fault,she couldn't beat herself up about this,she'd moved past that.

Erin jumped in her car and headed to the she got there,she was greeted with the sounds of an enraged woman.

"I'm a paying customer,I don't see why you won't serve me." exclaimed Kim.

Erin walked over to Kim,Kim looked her way and saw her.

"OH Erin good your here,can you buy me another drink this idiot won't give me I'm a paying customer." Kim said waving her credit card in Erin's face.

"Come on Kim let's get you home." said Erin,grabbing Kims arm to lead her out of the bar.

Kim's demeanor completely changed and the loud,brash exterior faded.

"But...But I don't want to go home." Kim said in almost a whisper.

"I don't mean to Chicago,I mean to my apartment,I meant what I said,you can stay with me as long as you need but you can't be like this and do this to yourself." replied Erin trying to get Kim to come with her.

Kim slapped her hands away.

"But I'm not done drinking yet." responded Kim

"They aren't going to serve you here Kim come on lets just go." Erin tried to reason.

"I don't know who you think you are... telling me what to do and what not to do.I'm pretty sure you did the exact same when Nadia died.I don't see why you are lecturing me about how to live by myself ,Erin you're no saint. You've skated round the subject but i'm not stupid it's obvious that Ellie is Jays daughter,I bet you haven't even told him,hes got no idea has he….Honeslty Erin if my life is messed up,yours is so messed up,it might win an award." spat Kim the alcohol in her system hightening all her emotions.

Then Erin did something that even took herself by slapped Kim across the face.

Both women were stunned.

"Get in the car," said Erin angrily through gritted teeth.

They hadn't even made it home before the emotions started and Kim burst into tears becoming an emotional kept apologizing over and over again.

Erin ignored her and focused on driving and getting her into the apartment and she spent the next hour holding Kim's hair back as she threw up into the toilet in between sobs of.

"Erin im sorry ,i didn't mean it " and " Erin please talk to me."

All the time Erin kept quiet trying to contain her emotions.

Erin helped Kim into the spare bed by placing a bowl,a glass of water and aspirin for the inevitable headache and hangover that she would have in the morning.

When Erin was sure Kim was asleep she went across the hall to her neighbours house and carried Ellie who was fast asleep back into their apartment and placed Ellie in her bed,whilst she grabbed something to eat.

Erin climbed into her bed next to where Ellie was laying in her outer space pajamas clutching her teddy,she had fallen asleep at the neighbor's house before Erin got back. Erin ran her hands through the girl's hair,she loved the girl so much,she didn't know how she would ever go a day without her,she loved her so much she didn't think she could share her.

Ellie stirred "Mom,where did you go?"she asked

"Remember moms friend whose staying with us."Erin said

Ellie nodded

"She wasn't feeling too well so I went to pick her up and bring her back here so she feels better.

"Will she feel better soon," asked Ellie

"Yes sweetie she will."

"Can I draw her get well picture."Ellie asked smiling up at her mom

"Yes of course but in the morning,it's time to sleep now." said Erin as she looked at the clock which said that it was 2am.

"Are you coming to bed as well." asked Ellie

Erin nodded

"Can we cuddle then?" asked Ellie

"Ok we might have time for a quick cuddle." said Erin and Ellie crawled along the bed next to her mom and both of them fell asleep.


	8. Squiggles

Chapter: Squiggles

It was the next day and Kim finally woke up,to a splitting headache she took an asprin in the hope that the headache would subside,she lay in the pitch black darkness,she knew that opening the curtains would be a lay their in thoughts,she knew that she had probably said some awful things the previous night to Erin and she didn't know how to make things better.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door and a little head popped round the door frame.

"Momma said I wasn't allowed to wake you up but you're awake so that means I didn't wake you up,plus i just had my lunch so it's not even morning anymore!" the three year old rationalised.

Ellie skipped into the room with a piece of paper in her hand.

"I wanted to draw you a picture because momma said you were feeling sick." smilied Ellie handing Kim the piece of paper.

Kim looked at the paper and saw a bunch of squiggles which she was sure were more than randomly placed squiggles.

"What is the picture of?" asked Kim

Ellie climbed onto the bed.

"It's a picture of all my favourite things like the swings at the park, Mrs Anderson's puppy, the ice cream shop that sells bubble gum ice cream and of course my flat,see i drawed an arrow so you know which one i live in." explained Ellie

Kim looked at the had indeed drawn a line pointing to a big blob shaped square which she guessed to be the apartment block.

At that moment Erin walked into the room.

"Ellie what did I say about not going into Kim's room and waking her up."

"I didn't wake her up and I knocked." wined Ellie

"It's true,I was awake."replied Kim

"See I told you." Ellie said in a whiny tone placing her hand on her hips scrunching her face up angrily

"None of that attitude please ,say goodbye to kim and get your shoes and coat, Ian is coming round to pick you up to take you all to the park." said Erin

"Bye Kim." Said Ellie as she jumped off the bed as she ran to go and get her things so she could be ready to go on time.

Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door and Ellie went with her friends and their dad to the park.

Kim got out of bed and got dressed,she walked into the kitchen where Kim was washing and drying up the dirty plates and bowles in the sink.

Erin looked up and smiled.

"How do you feel?" asked Erin.

"Rough but it's getting better,Erin I wanted to…" said Kim

"Look Kim it's fine,"

"But its not Erin I was so awful to you,I didn't mean any of it,it was like someone else was speaking and once the words started coming out I couldn't stop them,like someone else was talking over my body and controlling my thoughts and actions.I didn't mean to question your ability to be a good mom or bring up your past."

"It's alright Kim." replied Erin

"But it's not going to be alright because...I'm not alright." Said Kim

Erin put down the plates and walked over to Kim.

"But you will be alright even if you have to take it one day at a time, If I made it to where I am today its obvious that you'll be able to do it as well." said Erin.

"But Erin it was my fault,I shouldn't have gone on that case and Adam wasn't angry with me,why wasn't he as angry as me as I was with myself?" cried Kim

"How were you supposed to know it would end up how it did,it wasn't your fault, you can run different scenarios over in your head like I did wondering how you could have done things differently,you could have stopped work you need to know that it wasn't your fault." said Erin as she clasped Kim's hand.

Erin sat down on the sofa next to Kim.

Ellie skipped into the room holding her toy bunny.

"Kim are you feeling better ,momma said you were feeling sick."

"Yes, I feel better."

"Here is Mr Bunny,Ian got him for me when I had to get shots at the doctors and he always makes me feel better when my stomach hurts or I feel sick." smiled Ellie handing the toy over to Kim.


	9. Destruction

Chapter: Destruction.

**A/N:Thank you for all the views and reviews and follows for this story. I am glad people are enjoying this,there are only a few more chapters left after this one! This is a bit of a longer chapter enjoy!**

"How should we go about this." said Hailey

"I think we need to go in full force,we don't know what's going on in the apartment or what's happened to Kim. We just need to check this lead as quickly as we can,"Replied Jay.

"Jay I think that's way to drastic,we should at least scout the area out first." said Hailey

"No, I think we just need to go in while we have the chance to make sure we find her." Said Jay.

"Look i've not got a good feeling about just going in their full force when we barely know anything." replied Hailey

"We know that Kim might be in there,don't you think that's reason enough." responded Jay.

Hailey sighed she had a gut feeling that this wasn't going to go well,but she had known Jay long enough to know that when he had his mind there was no convincing him otherwise even with the smallest things like the time he insisted on going to a restaurant that Hailey had said had been getting bad reviews and then he was off work for the next week with food poisoning. She knew that regardless of what she told him was going to do exactly what he wanted to do and so she would have to be there to pick up the pieces, which she didn't mind doing ,she loved him and he loved she wished he wouldn't fly off the rails all the time and get offended by the littlest thing.

And so the next morning Jay put his plan into action.

Erin was sitting on the sofa in her house talking to Kim whilst Ellie tried to make the tallest tower she could with the building blocks.

Suddenly there was an almighty bang and the sounds of the wooden door to Erin's apartment breaking . Erin and Kim both jumped out of their skins and Erin could feel her heart racing. Ellie screamed and clung to her mom.

"Momma what's happening." she screamed covering her ears and curling herself up into a ball.

Erin forced Kim and Ellie into the pantry cupboard in the kitchen and Ellie clung onto Kim tightly.

What the hell was going on.

Erin stood up as the police entered the room, guns pointed at her.

"What the hell is going on,I'm a police officer look let me go to my room and I can show you my badge." said Erin.

Then another person came round the corner gun pointed in their direction.

Erin did a double take.

"Jay what the hell is going on?Why the hell did three armed police officers break into my home?"

Jay was equally as stunned.

"Kim went missing Erin,we didn't know where she was anything could have happened to her,we thought she had been kidnapped."replied Jay

"Well it's clear that she hasn't been kidnapped,why the hell did you have to scare me shitless,she's fine, she's just staying with me."

Jay told the guys to drop their guns and step down.

Erin opened the cupboard door and Kim walked out holding Ellie who was clinging to her chest for dear life. As soon as Ellie saw Erin she ran and grabbed onto her burying her head into Erin's legs.

"And more importantly you've terrified my daughter,kids remember this kind of stuff it's not going to go away."Erin spat.

"Erin look we didn't know it was going to be you,we heard a kids voice on the phone mention Kim so need to come and investigate." he replied

"Wait so regardless of who it was you were willing to terrify a child,I don't know what's happened to the Chicago Police department but you've changed,so you are saying you would knowingly put a child at risk,wow Jay you've changed." said Erin.

"Er it's not that simple." Jay said accidently slipping back into calling Erin her nickname.

"I don't want to hear it and don't call me Er." responded Erin.

"Jay look you've found what you want,im alive you can and report to Hank ,but i'm not coming back yet." said Kim

Jay stood still looking at Erin and Ellie.

At that moment Ian came running into the room.

"Is everything alright guys came into the bar saying they saw armed police coming into your apartment." he said out of breath from running up the block.

"Yes we are all good,"said Erin.

Ian went over and kissed Erin, hugging relieved that she was alright.

"You ok bunny."asked Ian looking at Ellie

Ellie shook her head.

"That scary man broke our door and he had guns,why did he have guns momma said they are dangerous and people shouldn't touch them." she cried.

Ian picked up the little could sense the tension in the room

"Come on bunny let's go get some ice cream."

"Before lunch?" she giggled

"Why not." he replied as they walked out of the apartment.

Just as Ian walked out of the room Hailey walked in.

"Jay I wondered what was taking you so long you said it would be quick."said Hailey as she walked into the room before she saw Erin.

"Oh erm Hi Erin ...what is going on,did I just see a kid ?." said Hailey in a confused turn.

"Thats a question you should probably ask your boyfriend." said Erin

Hailey shot a glance at Jay as if to say "what the hell is going on."

"Wait sorry your fiance." spat Erin as she saw the engagement ring on both their fingers.

"Jesus Jay I told you to let me handle it,not go in guns blazing,I told you that wasn't how Hank would want us to handle things." Said Hailey.

"I bet he'd be pissed to find out you came in with guns pointed at me,I am his daughter after all,'' said Erin.

"Look Erin I did what I thought was best for Kims safety I'm sorry if I scared you daughter." replied Jay.

Erin smirked "Our daughter." she said.

"What?" Jay said, confused.

"Jay you may be an idiot but I know that you're not stupid." laughed Erin

"But what….,when...,why did you never call me and tell me,you just left so quickly." he replied

"That's the thing though Jay I did call. I left two voice mails about a month after I moved to New York and found out I was pregnant. I rang you but you never replied. I figured you didn't want to know,So I didn't bother you again." explained Erin.

Jay remembered those messages he had deleted before he had even listened to them,he was still angry for her leaving without saying anything to him.

"Can I at least meet her?" he asked

Erin looked at Jay.

"Jay ,you just scared her I don't think she's ever going to want to meet you again,I've tried to give her a childhood I didn't have I might not be able to make up for the absent father part of her life but I can protect from her the things that saw at a young age."

"Come on Jay we need to go and report back to Hank,it's clear that Kims alright we can't force her to come back with us."Said Hailey

Hailey and Jay walked towards the door.

"I'm sorry Erin I really am. I'll get someone to come round and fix this."Hailey said pointing to the broken door.

As soon as Hailey and Jay had left the room Erin broke down into uncontrollable tears.


	10. Sticking together

Chapter: Sticking together.

Kim handed Erin a tissue and she wiped her eyes.

"You alright Er."Kim asked

"Yeah it was just a lot of emotions I didn't realise were buried so deep surfacing at once,I'm just worried about how it's going to affect Ellie." replied Erin.

"I'm sure she's alright, kids are more resilient than you think,plus she looked very excited at the thought of getting ice cream before lunch!" replied Kim.

Erin smilied.

"He's so good with her,his kids are sweet to her as well ,they all get one pretty well,I mean they've been in each other's lives for almost three years."Erin replied.

"How did you meet?"asked Kim

"I went back to work when Ellie was a year old and I left her with a child minder that a colleague at work had recommended and Ians kids also went to the same childminder after school." Erin explained.

"Sit down,I'll make us some lunch." said Kim pointing to the chair to encourage Erin to sit down.

"There's barely anything in the fridge. I need to do a food shop!"laughed Erin.

"You've clearly never seen my ability to rustle up a meal from nothing!"laughed Kim as she walked over to the fridge and freezer to find something for them to eat.

Thirty minutes later Kim returned back with two plates each with two mini pizzas,some chopped tomatoes and carrots sticks and hummus.

Erin laughed "This looks like something you would serve at a kids party!."

"Look, it's not my fault I had limited supplies to work with."Said Kim laughing.

Erin smiled as she realised it was one of the first times she had Kim smile and laugh.

Later that afternoon,Ellie and Ian came back with Freya and Lily swinging Ellie between them with Raife walking along behind them listening to music .Ellie skipped around the house as though the events of the morning had not happened.

"Come on momma,come on Kim,Ian says we are all going for dinner."she exclaimed

"Ellie,calm down,It's only four o'clock I said later at 6 o'clock."replied Ian.

Ellie smirked.

"Well I haven't learnt how to tell the time yet at pre-school yet you silly banana,we are still doing shapes." she giggled

"Who are you calling a silly Banana."said Ian

"You."Ellie said as she ran at Ian.

Ian grabbed the girl and picked her up and swung her by her giggled as he carried her and dumped her on the sofa.

"Right guys bottoms on the sofa,we will let Erin and her friend get ready and then we can decide where to go to eat." said Ian.

Erin rolled her eyes.

"Ian this is typical of you,giving me an hour and a half to get ready and sort Ellie out as well." she laughed.

"I'm not expecting you to get dressed like you're going to a Vogue fashion shoot,you can even stay in that if you want." said Ian.

"So you would be happy for me to walk into a restaurant wearing these sweatpants,Oh Ian have some standards at least!"Erin smirked

Ian shot her a look as if to say 'you know exactly what I mean,'

At five forty five they were all ready to go out and get had been much debate about where to eat they had finally settled with teppanyaki.

They sat down at the table and the chef began to cook the food in front of them,the kids were mesmerized by the chef and his tricks with the food and utensils.

They burst into laughter trying to catch the shrimp that the chef threw at them in their mouths.

Erin refused to do it and and all at once they all the kids and Ian picked up a shrimp and pelted them at her and this caused everyone to burst into laughter.

Kim smiled and she loved to see Erin happy.

They spent the rest of the evening eating food and laughing.


	11. Phone calls and Donuts

Chapter: Phone calls and donuts

They walked out of the restaurant and the kids immediately ran down the pathway to the donut shop as Erin had said if they each tried something different that night without complaining then they would all get to pick a donut for after.

"That's fine ply my children with sugar."laughed Ian

Erin glared at him.

"Erm sorry,I wasn't the one who when we went to see Disney on ice came back with churros,popcorn and candy floss for each of the girls." laughed Erin

"How many times do I have to tell you that it was all part of making the Disney magic happen." He replied.

The kids stopped ahead of them.

"Hurry up or they won't have any of the ones we want left." moaned Lilly

"Ohh I can smell them from here." exclaimed Freya as she opened the door to the shop.

As they went inside to choose a donut Erin's phone rang she waved to tell them to go in and that she would come in when she answered the call.

"Hello who's calling."Erin asked

"Erin, it's Hailey."

"Oh Hi."

"I know he the way he acted was selfish but he's so distraught thinking that you won't let him see 's not my place to get involved it's between you two but I just couldn't stand seeing him so upset."

Erin sighed,this is what she had been coming back into her life all at once before she had time to think about everything and how she would explain it to was three and young,to her it was just her and her momma against the was she going to explain Jay to Ellie but she knew it was something she needed to do because despite the anger she felt towards Jay after her burst into her house,deep down she knew he was a good guy,she wouldn't have dated him if hadn't of been a good guy.

"Oh how long are you in New York for I need to talk to Jay face to face." replied Erin.

"Till the end of the week I think."Replied Hailee

"Tell Jay I'll meet him tomorrow,ill text you the place to meet." responded Erin.

Erin ended the phone call and walked inside the shop.

"Momma I choose you a sprinkles one like me."Said Ellie as she licked the icing and sprinkles that were all over her mouth.

"Thanks sweetie."Said Erin taking the donut and taking a bite of it.


	12. Discoveries,Apologise,Decisions

Chapter:Discoveries, Apologies,Decisions

Kim had woken up early and walked down the street to the grocery store and picked up some food so she could cook Ellie and Erin breakfast.

Kim tried her best to make as little noise as possible whilst she fried the bacon and eggs and cooked the sausages.

Ellie walked into the room.

"Yummy ."said Ellie looking at the food.

Erin walked into the room.

"Oh how lovely i've not had anyone cook me a cooked breakfast in ages." said Erin and at that moment she clutched at her mouth and ran towards the bathroom.

Kim followed Erin into a bathroom with a glass of water.

"Clearly I can't stomach cooked breakfasts anymore,"Erin laughed.

"After all my hard work.":laughed Kim.

"It wasn't like this the first time but every time is different."Erin laughed.

"Come on I'll clear up the kitchen and I'll get you some bread."

"Kim i'm pregnant not not on a beige plain food diet." Laughed Erin as she walked towards the kitchen.

"I'll make myself some cereal. It's fine,I'm going out later to meet a friend,sorry it's such late notice do you mind looking after Ellie?I'll only be a couple of hours." Said Erin.

"Of course."replied Kim,she wanted to spend as much time as she could with Ellie before she went back to Chicago. She had really grown to love that little girl.

"Thank you." replied Erin

"Yay ,I get to spend the day with Aunty Kim." said Ellie as she skipped around the kitchen.

"Aunty!" Kim laughed

"She clearly loves you not even my friends from work have Aunty or Uncle status,just you and Ian." laughed Erin.

"It feels nice to be special."Kim laughed

Erin got herself ready and headed out to meet really hoped the meeting would go well,she didn't need this stress as well as the fact that she was had known for about three months and it wasn't like she didn't want to tell Kim but there had never felt like the right time.

She walked into the coffee shop and saw Jay sitting there.

She walked over,before she had even sat down he spoke.

"Erin, look , I'm sorry about the way I acted the other day." he said, seeming genuinely sorry.

"I understand and I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I was just surprised to see you bursting into my apartment." she replied

"I'm sorry about scaring your daughter."he said.

"Ellie's fine she was upset at first but she knows what police do and we explained that you just wanted to keep Kim safe." replied Erin.

Jay nodded.

"Look I didn't mean to say you couldn't see her,it's just I need to tell her and then we can make some sort of arrangement but she's living with me most of the time that's where I put my foot down ,everything she knows is here in New York." Erin explained

"I understand but I just want to be able to get to know her."Said Jay.

"Right ok well do you want to meet her before you go back to New York,but this all depends on if she agrees to it." said Erin

"Erin I only want the best for her." said Jay and that Jay slipped Erin a check in it.

"Jay you don't need to." she said

"No I do, I've missed three years of her life. There's plenty of things that I should have paid for,look I know we aren't in the place that we were. I'm with Hailey and you're with Ian but I just want us to get along for Ellies sake." he replied.

Erin nodded.

"I'll speak to Ellie tonight."

That evening as Erin tucked Ellie in bed she spoke to her.

"Ellie so you know how I told you stories about Grandpa Hank and how he lives in Chicago,there's also someone else who lives in Chicago who would like to meet you."

"Who?"asked Ellie

Erin took a deep breath.

"Your daddy." Erin said, looking at Ellie's face trying to gage what she thought.

"OH i've got a daddy,that's cool." she exclaimed.

Erin laughed at her daughter's response.

"Isabelle and Kyle at preschool live with their momma and not their daddy and Ivy lives with her Nana and pops and not even her daddy and momma so see not everybody has daddys or mommys to live with." she smiled proud of what she had said.

Erin smiled at Ellie .

"Do you want to meet him?"

"Here in New York?" questioned Ellie

"Yes,you've actually met him already."

"Who is he?"

Erin explained who Jay was.

"So he's Mr door breaker man,my daddy is mr door breaker man.!"Ellie giggled to herself.

"So where would you want to go to meet him?"Erin asked.

"Donuts,I love donuts and you love donuts so maybe he will like them as well." Ellie suggested.

"Alright then donuts it is."replied Erin

"Night momma."

"Night Ellie." Erin said kissing Ellie on the forehead and tucking her in her bed.

Erin turned on the girls night light and she went back into the kitchen to talk to Kim.

"Thanks for looking after her today." said Erin

"No problem we had a great time,do you know she can name every single donut in that donut shop from memory! We went there today on the way back from the park."

"Honestly she's going to become a donut,she's actually going again tomorrow,Ive agreed that Jay can meet her before he goes back to Chicago."

"I hope it goes well,Erin I need to tell you something,I've booked a flight and I'm going back to Chicago in two days."

"Oh no so soon!"exclaimed Erin

"Yeah I need to go back sort my life out there but don't worry I'll be back,plus I need to reach aunty status with the next little one don't I." explained Kim

Erin smiled and the two of them spent the rest of the evening flicking through the tv and chatting.


	13. Meeting

Chapter: Choices

Ellie woke up early that morning

"TIme to go see my daddy." she said jumping on the bed to wake up Erin

"Ellie it's 6am your not going to see him till 12 o'clock at lunch time."laughed Erin, very unimpressed at being woken up so early.

Kim knocked on the door and opened it.

"Sorry did she wake you."replied ERin

"No, I just wanted to see if Ellie wanted to go and get a drive through breakfast."

"Im my pjamas."giggled Ellie

"Yeah I don't see why not,I wanted to do something super fun before I go back to Chicago." Said Kim.

"Please momma ."

"Ok then."

Ellie skipped off excitedly to the front door and put on her shoes ready to go and get breakfast with Kim.

At 11.30 Ellie was waiting by the door.

"Come on,come on hurry up,it must be time now." she exclaimed

"Two seconds Ellie."said Erin as she grabbed her bag from her room.

She got Ellie buckled up in the car and they drove to Ellie's favorite donut place to meet Jay.

They arrived at the donut shop and Ellie was already talking about the donuts.

Erin looked around the room and saw Jay sitting in one of the booth tables,they walked over to him.

He smiled

"Hi Erin,Hi Ellie nice to meet you." said Jay

"Hi." Ellie said as she sat down in the seat next to Erin.

"Do you want to get a donut."asked Jay

"Of course I do. They are my favorite, especially rainbow sprinkle ones, but I like them all because they are so yummy." giggled Ellie rubbing her stomach to emphasize how much she loved them.

"That's good,I wonder what flavours they have."Jay asked

Erin rolled her eyes.

"You've gone a done it now."she laughed

Jay looked at Erin confused

"There's vanilla,vanilla sprinkles,chocolate,chocolate sprinkles,maple,maple bacon,powdered,custard,oreo,kitkat,boston creme,jelly,coffee…"listed Ellie

"Ellie that's enough I think Jay can work out what flavours there are with his eyes."Said Erin.

"But there's so many to choose from." said Ellie

Ellie stuck her tongue out at Erin and continued to list them as she and Jay walked towards the counter

"And caramel,cinnamon sugar,apple crumble,banana split,coconut,glazed and they have a new mystery flavour every month."

"Thats alot to choose from,I don't know what to have."Said Jay

"I'm going to get momma a maple one because she likes those."

"I think I'm going to get the mystery flavour."said Jay

"MEEEEEE TOO,I haven't tried it yet." exclaimed Ellie

They bought the donuts and brought them back to the table.

"It taste like hershey's chocolate and marshmallows." said Ellie

"And on the top it looks like crushed graham crackers." explained Jay

Erin watched the interaction and chuckled to herself at how excited they were both getting of about a donut.

"IT's a S'More DONUT." shouted Ellie a bit louder than anticipated.

"Ellie, you don't need to shout, people in space don't need to hear about your s'more donut."Erin laughed.

Ellie and Jay chatted some more she told him all about Pre-school and her friends and Ian and his kids and about her favorite watched the two talking only talking when she was conversation between the two of them flowed so easily like no time had been lost and as though the little girl and Jay were always meant to be together.

It came time to leave and Ellie said goodbye giving Jay a huge hug.

"Bye nice to meet you."she said

"You too hopefully I'll see you again you and your mom can come a visit me in Chicago." said Jay

"Can we momma ,please?" Ellie asked

"We will see,let me see if I can get time off work." she said.

Erin smiled at Jay

"Thanks for today." they both said in unison and laughed and then they went their separate ways.


	14. Goodbye

Chapter:Goodbye

**A/N:This is the final chapter!**

"I don't want her to go,why can't she stay here forever and ever and ever."moaned Ellie in the car on the way to the airport.

"Because she's got to go back to work but we will see her soon when we go to Chicago and we can see your dad as well." explained Erin.

"Plus we can face time all the time."said Kim

Ellie pulled a face.

"I'm not talking to you,you was my friend and now your leaving so your not my friend"

Ellie made a huge fuss at the airport and wouldn't say goodbye to Kim or give her a hug,she just stood arms crossed lip quivering.

They tried their best to get Ellie to say goodbye but she wouldn't and so Kim and Erin hugged goodbye .They told each other to look after themselves and keep in touch and then Kim wheeled her bag towards Kim walked away the expression on Ellies face changed realising that Kim was leaving and no matter how many tantrums she threw it wasn't going to change.

"Wait Aunty Kim wait." Ellie cried as she ran darting in between people,she caught up with Kim.

"I do want to say goodbye." she cried

"I know." said Kim, giving Ellie a hug.

"I love you lots and lots so it makes me sad that you are going." said Ellie

"It makes me sad to leave but I'll see you soon Ok." Said Kim wiping the tears from Ellie's face.

Ellie smiled and waved at Kim untill she could no longer make her out in the crowd.

Kim got onto the plane,she was happy to be going home,even with the pain that home held she was ready to go back and start a new chapter of her life and she had Erin to support her.

Erin waved goodbye to Kim with Ellie standing next to much had happened over the past few was happy that Ellie was going to get to know Jay and build a relationship with her dad and hopefully Ellie would be able to meet her Grandpa Hank soon..Erin was happy that Ellie loved Ian and his kids just as much as she did and Erin was excited about this new chapter in her life and the fact that the baby would bring the two families even closer.

**A/N:Thank you to everyone who read,commented,followed and favorited the story and I hope people enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**


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